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Nourishing Relationships

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What You Can Learn from President Obama's Mother-in-Law


Now that Michelle Obama's mother is living in the White House, will the cruel 
jokes and snide remarks about mothers-in-law finally stop? Will Marian Robinson, 
as first mother-in-law, be able to pave the way for acceptance, even respect, for 
this much-maligned branch of the family tree? Only time, and the nightly comedians, will tell.


If you have a new son-in-law yourself, you can use Mrs. Robinson and other successful
in-laws as your guides. Let them teach you how to adjust to your new role. It's not
easy. Once you've made the final payment for your daughter's dream wedding, you may 
find yourself relegated to the back burner. 


Instead of you, your daughter's new husband is now the one who shares her confidences.
After spending the past couple of decades as an active and involved mom, do you now 
feel like a Lame Duck? Even more important, how can you learn to relate to the guy
who is now the center of your daughter's universe? Here are a few tips to get you 
started with your own son-in-law:


1.	Move slowly into the role of mother-in-law, remembering that your daughter's 
spouse arrives with his own issues, unique temperament and family rituals. Learn more
about him and his family rather than expecting him to blend into yours. Remember
that family loyalty goes both ways.

 
2.	Imagine the situation from your son-in-law's perspective. Recognize that he wants
to build and strengthen his new family unit. Doris is trying to let go of her need to
continue such a tight relationship with her daughter. "I know she is bonding with her
husband, so I don't snoop or ask too many questions. As an only child I don't like to
go halves with anything, so it's hard for me to share my precious daughter. But I know
that her husband has to be the focus for her now."
  

3.	Respect your daughter's choice and learn to love her life partner. By focusing on how
happy your daughter is and on your son-in-law's positive qualities, you'll be building on
the mutual good feelings. This can serve as an emotional savings account you can draw on 
later when other situations lead to tension between you.


4.	Hold back on your opinions, advice and constructive criticism, at least until there 
is more trust in the relationship. This can be a challenge, as Nancy found: "I'm very careful
about what I say, so I don't think my son-in-law knows that I'm holding back. We get along
fine on the surface but I hope that some day we can deal with deeper issues."


5.	Avoid hot button issues like finances, religious observances, and work/home responsibilities. 
By taking sides, you make it harder for the newlyweds to sort out these issues for themselves.
When you have expectations that are not shared by them, recognize that now it's their turn to
make this type of decision.


6.	Be available to help when asked but don't intrude. As the new couple settles into their routine
and lifestyle, they may ask for your help or support. Pitch in and be responsive to their needs
when you can, but don't overstep the boundaries. 


7.	Find support from your spouse and friends. When you're frustrated, share with others who
will understand what you're going through and use them as a sounding board. When all else fails,
laugh together as inductees in the sisterhood of mothers-in-law.  


These tips can help you build the kind of relationship with your son-in-law that Marian Robinson 
has with President Obama. He and Michelle respect her and trust her to help with their children.
Embrace your new role of mother-in-law. You, too, have the power to make this an enriching chapter 
for everyone in the family.




© 2009, www.HerMentorCenter.com



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