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Nourishing Relationships

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Eliot Spitzer's Morality Lessons for Sandwiched Boomers

The media spotlight the past few days has been on Eliot Spitzer, the Governor of New York, 
and his link to the Emperor's Club VIP prostitution ring. Whether his damaging behavior is 
related to an inflated sense of entitlement, the dark side of his self righteous attitude, 
a feeling that he's above the law, or high testosterone, seeing the anguished look on 
Silda Spitzer's face and knowing that he has 3 teenage daughters makes you wonder.

It now clearly looks as if crime buster Spitzer has fallen on his own sword. And buying 
high-priced sexual services has created a heartbreaking tragedy for his family. Although 
he raised the ethical bar in New York, he forgot to hold himself to this higher standard. 
By ignoring what may be the consequences of his acts, and the people he would hurt, he raises 
questions about his basic character as well as his moral development. Now that he has 
officially resigned, he has a very big job ahead - looking deep inside himself.

This scene - personal pain on display for all to see - has played out many times before 
in the political arena. There's a variety of ways to look at what motivates the betrayed wife, 
disgraced and humiliated, standing by her man. It could be a psychological defense mechanism, 
manifested as denial, shock or an out-of-body fugue state. Perhaps it's a combination of what 
she always does, a function of her identity derived from her husband's status or an effort in 
support of her own aspirations. It may even be plain love, a long history together, concern for 
the children and a desire to keep the family together. Whatever the case, it takes a lot of courage 
and the road to healing the wounds is long and hard.

The potential outcome of espousing a rigid morality and then living a life of reckless abandon 
is unpredictable, but it certainly can destabilize relationships and ruin lives.  Spitzer is an 
extreme example of the disruption of equilibrium that can occur in long-term marriages.

As Sandwiched Boomers, your relationship issues may not be as dramatic, but classic - an empty 
nest, responsibilities for aging parents, your own health concerns, boomerang kids who can't live 
on their own, a career move or retirement. Understanding and working through the impact of these 
changes is important to the well being of your family in flux. As you read the examples below, 
do you recognize any of these transitions in your own marriage? Look carefully at the emotions 
that surface when you step into uncomfortable - or even chosen - new roles and give up the ones 
that have defined you in the past.

If either of you has made bad choices, such as being unfaithful or making independent decisions 
about joint finances, the emotional damage can endanger the future of the relationship. When trust 
is broken, there is a buildup of frustration, anger or disappointment, even despair as you make 
efforts to adapt to the new reality. 

Time itself can erode your marriage if quality time together has been put on hold while raising 
your family. Now, without the buffer of children at home, it may be apparent how much you've 
changed and how far apart you've grown. What would it take to, instead, begin to anticipate 
getting to know each other again and creating a more satisfying future together? 

Are you experiencing angst about your relationship or actively searching for some deeper meaning 
in your life situation? As you redefine your self and your partnership, it can lead to your 
gradually feeling more powerful. By accepting the person you are becoming, you will be able to 
go from being afraid of your future to feeling excited about what's ahead.

Perspective is valuable, whether you're hit in the face with a crisis, adjusting to changes in 
your identity or making a slow transition into the next chapter of your life. Expect a cascade 
of feelings- anxiety, the desire to hold on, resentment, sadness, fear, even a sense of freedom. 
The emotional roller coaster ride is normal. If you have the fortitude to step back, take a deep 
breath and face the situation squarely, you can't help but grow from the challenges.

© Her Mentor Center, 2008

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