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Nourishing Relationships

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     How to Create More Intimacy with Your Valentine


February is perfect for cuddling, with the cold weather and longer 
nights.  No wonder it's known as the month for romance.  But, as a 
member of the Sandwich Generation, does caring for your growing 
children and aging parents make you too tired to bring Cupid back 
into your intimate relationship?

Lucy was on the fast track at work and active in her family life, 
having three teenagers and parents who were declining.  Her interest 
in romance was waning and she was devastated by changes in her body 
and her psyche.  "I have totally lost my libido and I feel as dry as 
the Sahara desert.  In the past, I had been happily led around by 
my active sex drive - it has been my life force for so long.  Now, 
I have lost my ballast and my identity.  I want to have those 
feelings again."

Difficulties with intimacy may be affecting your partnership and, 
more likely, difficulties in your marriage may be interfering with 
your sexual relationship.  If there are situations in your life that 
preoccupy your thoughts and are stressful for you, these can also 
affect your desires for intimacy.  Begin to deal with them directly 
so that they do not spill over into your sex life.
  
1.  Examine your relationship with your significant other.  Are you 
satisfied with the intimacy?  How is your communication?  How do you 
both manage anger?  Discuss the issues that are causing problems rather 
than withdrawing from each other.  Don't use intimacy as a bargaining 
tool when there is unresolved resentment in your marriage.  

2.  Schedule a date night alone with your partner.  Remember how 
your heart used to skip a beat when you happily thought about your 
next evening together?  Recreate some of that excitement and mystery 
now.  Take turns planning an activity that will remind you both of 
why you fell in love.    

3.  Focus on creating new kinds of intimacy.  If your children now 
live away from home, you have more time and energy to devote to each 
other and to bring you closer together.  Develop or rekindle affection, 
closeness and romance.  Many women find that this can be enormously 
satisfying in a different way.  Fay, an elementary school teacher, has 
grown to value the companionship in her relationship.  "We enjoy rubbing 
each other's back, reading together in front of the fire, sharing funny 
stories about our grandchildren.  Who would have thought that would feel 
intimate?"  

4.  Work with your health professional to rule out physical conditions 
or the side effects of prescriptions that could be contributing to a 
decrease in your libido.  Talk to your internist or gynecologist about 
remedies - lubricants as well as prescription medications or creams.  

5.  Explore techniques of expression that may be new to your relationship. 
Try different positions for your lovemaking.   Studies have shown that an 
active sex life slows the aging process so your effort will be doubly rewarded.  
With their son away at college, Joy felt emotionally closer to her husband 
than ever before. "With the house to ourselves we feel less stressed, more 
carefree, less inhibited and make love more often."
 
6.  Enjoy your sensuality.  Have fun with it.  Learn about exercises in 
"sensate focus" as you discover new ways to explore your body.  Energy 
level, body image, physical limitations and the quality of the relationship 
all play a part in feelings of sensuality and intimacy.  

Be patient and take small steps toward feeling emotionally satisfied.  
Allow yourself the pleasure of slowly learning more and more about your 
partner, even now.  For Lisa and her partner, buying a motorcycle and 
riding together on weekends was one way of rekindling the excitement in 
their marriage.   "What a thrill - I love it all - the speed of the ride, 
the wind in my hair, the physical closeness, even being the chick on 
the back of the bike."                                                        

© 2007, Her Mentor Center


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