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Nourishing Relationships

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How the Sandwich Generation Can Help Their Parents Create a Legacy of Meaning


As a Baby Boomer member of the Sandwich Generation, perhaps you have already 
had talks with your aging parents about their wills, beneficiaries, and advanced 
medical directives for hospital care.  But have you discussed an ethical will or 
the legacy of meaning they wish to leave behind?  As parents grow older, it becomes 
more important to them to be remembered for the life lessons they taught than for 
the material gifts they leave behind.  

Rachel remembers her first experience with just such a legacy.  "My mother-in-law 
was a wise woman.  Although she wasn't able to continue her education beyond high 
school, her understanding of people rivaled that of any psychologist.  She raised 
my husband, a sickly boy, to be self-confident and to strive for the best.  She gave 
all of her grandchildren unconditional love and support.  And she never questioned my 
place in our family.  But I think her wisdom was most valuable to all of the family 
after she learned that her cancer had metastasized.  Before she died, she had long 
private talks with each one of us, never shying away from the truth, even with her 
grandchildren.  She wanted to leave a lasting personal legacy with every member of 
her family and a final expression of her love for each of us.  I am still strengthened 
by the memory of my final talk with her, even today."  

What can you do to help create a legacy of meaning within your own family?  To get 
started, here are some suggestions.

1.  Spend quality time talking with your parents about the values that are important 
to them.  Ask them specific questions about what ethics have guided them through the 
years.  You probably know some of these answers from having observed them and their 
role modeling, but the conversations can be further enlightening.  As Mimi cared for 
her mom when she was at the end stages of heart failure, they had long conversations 
deep into the night.  Mimi grew to appreciate her mother as never before.  "I used to 
criticize her for being so frugal.  I now realize she was afraid she wouldn't have enough 
money to survive.  I decided to use the small inheritance she managed to save for me in 
a way she would appreciate.  I've opened college bank accounts for the children of 
my brother, who is struggling financially.  I am proud that I can honor my mom in this way." 
 
2. Talk with your parents about their past and the stories of their lives.  Their tales
will become a part of how you remember them.  Through you, the history of your parents 
will be preserved from generation to generation.  Look through their old photographs and 
listen to the memories they evoke.  Video tape these conversations to have a lasting 
visual and oral record of them.  View these family photos and videos as a slice of 
life - a gift for the future to be enjoyed by your children and grandchildren.  Sarah 
loved seeing the pictures of her mother as a teenager, having fun with her friends at 
the beach.  "Mom always worked so hard - she had two jobs when we were little - and I 
think it aged her tremendously.  My children see her only as very old and infirm.  
When I show them pictures of her as a girl, full of energy and enthusiasm, she 
seems more real to them."

3.  Identify what you consider to be your parents' personal strengths and talk with 
them about the strengths they remember in their own parents.  Create a family strengths 
tree, focusing both on strengths that have been passed down and on those that are unique 
to each family member.  You will have a concrete visual profile of your ancestors' 
virtues to guide you and your children.  Toby recalled the impact that her father's 
character had on her.  "He taught me so much about how to be a good human being just 
by the way he treated everyone around him.  I try to live up to his standard of morality 
every day in the way I live my life." 

4.  Consult with books or Internet websites to help your parents create an ethical will.  
Your family will be enriched by their legacy - knowing what they believed in, their 
values and rituals, and how they lived their lives.  Remaining emotionally open during 
this interactive process can help you better understand your parents as well as yourself 
and your own personal goals.  Shortly before he died, Lynn and her father wrote down some 
of his thoughts and answers to the questions they had discussed.  Now when she feels troubled, 
she spends time rereading her journal.   "Dad lived to age 92.  He is always in my mind 
and I have the words we wrote together to ground me.  He was the only one who could make
me feel stronger, and I always think about the way he would want me to handle myself in 
difficult situations." 

Going through the process with your aging parents may even give you a head start on thinking 
about your own ethical will.  What values do you want to pass on to your children? 
How can you role model these for them today?  How can you live your life now as if these 
values really are important to you?  How you answer these kinds of questions to yourself 
can help you create your own legacy of meaning for your children and grandchildren 
over the next decades.

© 2007, Her Mentor Center


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