Return to Home Page

Nourishing Relationships

************************************************************************************

  Father's Day, Boomer Men and Communication 


Have you bought into the commercialism of Father's Day, thinking fancy ties 
and expensive tools would bring you closer - only to find that you still 
want better communication with your Dad?  Are you not satisfied with just 
the occasional email from your brother or text message from your son?  
If you're ready for more direct and open conversations with the men in your 
life, begin with your partner.  

According to research findings on the effectiveness of marital therapy, 
communication was one of the most commonly reported and difficult to manage 
problems in marriage.  It is well known that discrepancies in how men and 
women talk to each other can lead to further conflict as the partners begin 
to focus blame on themselves, each other or on the quality of the relationship.

Regardless of differences in attitude and opinion, long term partnerships 
often credit their relationship success to positive verbal interactions.  
Here is what a random selection of men had to say, in a recent poll we took, 
as they expressed themselves candidly.  

"	Stuart indicated that it took a lot of attention and conscious thought to 
improve communication with his partner.  "We need to give each other space because 
when our arguments escalate we have little resolution.  Empathy is important, 
and I'm working hard on developing that.  When I don't think my wife's criticisms 
are justified, I get defensive and upset.  Often I don't want to let her down so 
I try to fix it, whatever the problem is.  Eventually the issue is resolved and 
we both get over it."  

"	Paul and his wife have been married for thirty years and they have gradually 
learned how to deal with one another.  "We can sense each other's moods and we 
communicate well most of the time.  We try to understand, even if we disagree.  
On occasion we both are stubborn and see things only our own way.  We usually 
don't change our opinions very much.  But while we are fighting the battles, we 
think about the war.  What is this all about?  Is it really that important?"  

"	Tim was sensitive to criticism and sometimes shied away from confrontations.  
"Usually I can say what I'm thinking and what I want.  I feel comfortable 
communicating without being demeaned or laughed at by my wife.  If we have an 
inconsequential argument, one usually gives in or we compromise.  But when 
we have significant disagreements I withdraw first and then we talk later.  
In the kinds of situations that can lead to further misunderstanding, sometimes 
I don't totally share my feelings."  

"	Adam reflected on the process he and his second wife were still working on 
in couples' counseling.  "I'm committed to being fully present, to making requests 
and talking about what I need instead of complaining.  I'm also trying to satisfy 
my wife's requests and needs.  This has become the core dynamic of our successful 
life together.  We'll schedule appointments to sit down and talk without distractions, 
then make agreements based on what is best for 'us'.  Sometimes we revisit these 
agreements a month later but usually not.  But we both try to compromise and avoid 
resentment."

"	Like Adam, Carl was in the midst of a learning curve, thanks to the intervention 
of couples' therapy.  He was discovering the benefit of bringing feelings to conscious 
awareness as well as the value of sometimes even keeping his thoughts to himself.  
"I'm determined not to overplay my hand.  My two older brothers taught me to be 
brutal and use my words like a weapon.  I need to remember to slow down, to be 
patient.  Especially since my wife is a person with a particularly painful 
background and certain fears." 

"	When Jeremy closed his business he was worried about adjusting to an unstructured 
lifestyle.  Retirement has brought many gifts to him and his wife, including fuller 
and deeper conversations.  He attributes this in part to being under less pressure.  
He also gives specific credit to his own efforts.  "Retirement has made it easier 
to talk to my wife.  I'm no longer driven by making it in the business world or by 
work deadlines.  I'm trying to be more reflective as well as more positive.   My wife 
appreciates that.  It's obvious that my change in attitude has made a difference.  
She is more responsive to me and to what I need from her."         

As you can see, not all men think alike.  With more flexibility in your beliefs about 
communication between the sexes, begin to appreciate and integrate the unique opinions 
and attitudes of the men who mean the most to you.  This Father's Day give the gift of 
understanding to your partner, your Father, your brothers and your sons.  And continue 
to talk with your husband about building on communication skills as you strengthen 
the rapport in your most intimate relationship.   

© Her Mentor Center, 2007

*************************************************************

(c) HerMentorCenter, 2007.  All rights reserved.  The above
material may not be copied to another web site without the
express permission of HerMentorCenter.com.   
  
*************************************************************