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Nourishing Relationships

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      Boomers and the Valentine Gift of Discourse


This Valentines Day, are you hoping that your sweetheart will write 
words for the love song you've been waiting to hear?  Are you busy 
shopping for the language of love that is bound to communicate the 
intensity of your true emotions? 

How couples talk with each other is a concrete example of differences 
between the sexes - and the conversational styles of women and men 
are often poles apart.  Despite your partner's ongoing support, 
you may find it difficult to speak about your deepest thoughts.  
Sometimes, when you just want your husband to listen to how you 
feel about a certain situation, do you find him intent on fixing 
the problem or finding a solution?

Statistics indicate that one out of two marriages in the United States 
ends in divorce.  As a safeguard to this institution, some couples 
sign a clearly delineated legal pre-nuptial contract.  There are 
other non-verbalized agreements that impact the marriage, but are 
not communicated as directly.  For example, "I earn more than you 
and that gives me greater control over major decisions" is often 
understood but not considered a topic for conversation.  An increase 
in either trust or tension in the relationship eventually leads to 
the expression and resolution of these kinds of concerns, one way 
or the other. 

Still other decisions are unconscious, part of the psychological 
baggage that is carried forward from the family of origin or from 
previous relationships.  For instance, "my father walked out on 
our family without an explanation so, when you're quiet for too 
long, I get scared" can be an old script left over from childhood.  
Shaped by earlier experiences and well hidden by defense mechanisms, 
these entrenched beliefs often continue to drive individual attitudes 
and behaviors.  

Discover the benefit of bringing these emotional influences to 
conscious awareness.  At this time of year, when so much love is 
in the air, use the following five tips and let your heart do the talking:

1.	Pay attention to the positives in your relationship by noticing 
the qualities that bring you pleasure.  Discuss these with your partner 
from time to time.  And review them often for yourself.   

2.	When talking quietly together, be willing to reveal your own 
personal needs and opinions so that he has some access to your 
subjective world.  Encourage him to do the same with you.


3.	Opposites attract.  Genuine mutuality thrives on recognizing 
the differences in how you communicate.  When it's impossible to 
respect and honor what sets you apart, find the humor and fall back on laughter.

4.	Create a balance between caring for your personal needs and 
the well being of your relationship.  Take time out of your busy 
schedules each day to connect and converse about the ways to nourish both.  

5.	Reduce the stress in your lives in order to enjoy fuller and deeper 
conversations.  A change in attitude can make your partner more 
responsive to you and to your needs.        

Couples who practice conversational etiquette become more skillful 
in listening than in advice giving.  Over time, many discover that 
a commitment to understanding each other's position goes a long way.  
As Indira Gandhi, the former Prime Minister of India, so wisely said, 
"You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist." 

According to Donna, learning to recognize the differences in how they 
evaluate and work through problems made their relationship stronger.  
"We resolve conflict by trying to see what the other one wants.  We'll 
go around what we can't agree on and make every effort to reach a 
compromise.  It has taken years, but we've both grown to value our 
relationship more than being right."  

On February 14th, mark your calendar as the first day of the rest of 
your lives.  Cast a love spell as you celebrate your relationship.  
And commit to nurture a heartfelt connection with your partner through 
the gift of conversation. 

© 2007, Her Mentor Center

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(c) HerMentorCenter, 2007.  All rights reserved.  The above
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