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Nourishing Relationships

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Boomer Couples and Change: Re-examining Your Relationship



Being comfortable in a relationship feels awfully good - but functioning on automatic pilot 
can get you into trouble.  For some couples in the Sandwich Generation, the impetus to examine 
their partnership comes from the different energies that each wants to invest in family, career 
or leisure.  Don is torn between his own needs and those of his wife: "We're at different 
junctures right now.  My wife worked part-time in nursing when our children were young.  
Over the past few years she has discovered a passion for business and has developed her own 
medical registry.  The problem for me is, now that she is immersed in her work, I want to cut 
back and spend more time together.  I'm not sure how we can find a balance."

If there is mutual trust in your relationship, both of you can enjoy the freedom of exploring 
new options and goals.  With her husband's support, Rhonda, for the first time in 22 years, has 
achieved space within the marriage.  "I have arrived at this crossroad with more confidence and 
trust in my personal choices.  I just hope that my being stronger will not weaken our marriage."  

A disruption of equilibrium at this stage is common - often initiated by changes in your shared 
environment or by a more subjective and internal process.  When you read the examples below, 
do you recognize any of these changes in your relationship?  Look carefully at the emotions that 
surface when you step into new roles and give up the ones that have defined you in the past.

1.	Are you facing an empty nest and trying to adjust to changes in your identity?  When your 
last child moves out, you experience a cascading and wide range of emotions: sadness, the need 
to hold on, fear, a sense of freedom, the desire to begin the next chapter of your life. 

2.	Time itself can erode your marriage if quality time together has been put on hold while raising 
your family.  Now, without the buffer of children, it may be apparent how much you've changed and 
how far apart you've grown.  Could you instead begin to anticipate getting to know each other again 
and creating an improved future together? 

3.	Have you or your partner gone through a career change?  When you're not on the same page about 
the significance of work, it can impact your relationship.  It brings up issues about who controls 
the major decisions and who assumes responsibility for daily chores.  Maybe you are again struggling 
over who manages the checkbook and who does the laundry, like you did early in your marriage.  

4.	When one of you has been diagnosed with an illness, the physical and emotional challenges to 
both of you impact and threaten the stability of your relationship.  You and your spouse may be 
experiencing shock, fear, anxiety, depression - and at the same time, a sense of deep support 
and renewed strength.

5.	Do you have increased commitments now that either your parents or in-laws are getting older 
and need more assistance?  Perhaps there's conflict about who takes care of what responsibilities 
or about not having enough time for your own needs.   

6.	If either of you has made bad choices, like deciding independently about joint finances or 
being unfaithful, the emotional damage can endanger the future of the relationship.  When trust 
is broken, there is a buildup of frustration, anger, or disappointment, even despair as you make 
efforts to adapt to the new reality. 

7.	Are you experiencing angst about your relationship or actively searching for some deeper meaning 
in your life situation?  As you redefine your self and partnership, it will lead to your gradually 
feeling more powerful.  By becoming more at ease with who you are, you will go from being afraid of 
your future to feeling excited about what's ahead.   

Finding perspective is a valuable strategy when you are facing transitions.  It helps to take a step 
back and see the present situation from a different angle.  As high expectations are always difficult 
to meet, try to be realistic - and know that you will both grow from the challenges you are facing.  



© 2007, Her Mentor Center


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