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                   STEPPING STONES (TM) 

                          Issue 5 

                        July, 2001 

Welcome to "Stepping Stones" (TM), the newsletter of 
Her Mentor Center (TM).  Each month we highlight a 
mid-life woman's personal transition story.  We identify the 
specific skills illustrated in her story that you might find 
valuable in your own life.  In addition, we recommend and 
review valuable resources for you.  We are excited to be 
sharing experiences and information as we all journey 
through mid-life. 

A special greeting to our new subscribers!  We are delighted 
that you have joined us.  We encourage you to explore the site 
and enjoy the past newsletters that are available in the 
archives. 

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This month at a glance: 

I.    Maggie's Story: Reflections on Becoming a Grandparent   

II.   Stepping Stones to Meaningful Grandparenting 

III.  Recommended Resources: Websites and Books to Explore 

IV.   Our Invitation to You 

V.    About Us 

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    I. Maggie's Story: Reflections on Becoming a Grandparent 


"The miracle of birth; a blank slate; unconditional love; the 
projection of my own needs; the giving response to helplessness; 
smooth, soft, warm, cuddly skin; the reflexive finger grasp; 
the thrill of the first smile, the first of many firsts; an 
endorphin rush." 


I had heard from other friends who had already been there that 
the pleasure of grandparenting was the only activity that was 
not overly exaggerated.  So I was looking forward to it with 
great glee, yet also with some trepidation.  I didn't really 
know what to expect - from the baby, from our children, from my 
husband, from our co-grandparents or even from myself in this 
new situation. 

Initially, I tried to do what I was used to doing - researching, 
organizing, planning.  This helped a little, but I realized that 
I would also need to just "be," to relax and let things take 
their own course.  After awhile it was liberating not to feel 
the need to be in control at all times.  I could just enjoy the 
experience without preconceived expectations about what would 
happen next. 

However, I cannot deny the ambivalent feelings at this time in 
my life.  I find myself wanting to be available to help my 
children.  Yet it is also crucial for me to continue to pursue 
my own personal interests.  Balancing these needs is not always 
easy.  I want to have it all - my work, my exercise, my social 
life - as well as a close relationship with my grandchild. 

I am amazed by the changes that have taken place in the 
relationship with my children since the baby was born.  When 
they were first married, I understood their need to bond with 
each other, but I often felt neglected.  Now that they are 
parents themselves and use my help, I am more included.  There 
is a new mutual respect between us and we work to keep it growing. 

I try hard not to interfere in how they are parenting, but I 
must admit that I am not always successful.  I want to jump in, 
to say too much, to give advice, to share the "wisdom" of my 
experience.  When I am able to hold back, then I truly notice 
how naturally and competently my children love and care for my 
grandchild. 

       
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     II. Stepping Stones to Meaningful Gandparenting 


  ENJOY THE PROCESS.   Don't worry about the old image of 
"grandmother" - you don't have to be defined by it.  You can 
add to your image of yourself without subtracting all that you 
have gained over the years.  Allow yourself to accept and take 
pleasure in the insight that you gain about yourself and your 
relationships.   

  RESPECT YOUR CHILDREN.   You have spend years raising your 
sons and daughters; now allow them to raise their own children. 
Things have changed since you raised them - new theories of 
child-rearing, new equipment, new techniques.  Don't assume 
that just because you did things in a certain way that that 
way is still considered to be the best way.  You may see your 
relationship with your children changing as you see them in a 
new light. 

  DON'T OFFER ADVICE UNLESS ASKED.   You don't have to say 
everything that you are thinking.  If you are asked for your 
opinion or advice, present it in such a way that your children 
are free to accept or reject it as they choose.  Remember how 
you felt when your mother or mother-in-law was giving advice 
on how to raise your children. 

  BE AWARE OF YOUR FEELINGS.   Initially, since it may have 
been a long time since you cared for an infant, you may feel 
anxious about your abilities.  Later, you may feel ambivalent 
about being asked to care for your grandchild.  Choose for 
yourself a balance between your own personal needs and the 
responsibilities of your new grandparenting role.  It is 
important to set limits that work for you. 

  BE HELPFUL.   Think ahead about ways that you can help your 
children and offer to do them even if they are not your first 
choice - running errands, doing a middle of the night feeding, 
babysitting early on a weekend morning.  You will feel closer 
to your grandchild after putting in the effort and your 
children will be more relaxed without having to do the extra 
chore. 

  TALK ABOUT ISSUES WITH YOUR CHILDREN.   Don't be afraid to 
communicate with your children in a non-confrontational way. 
You will all appreciate your relationship more if you do not 
let issues fester.  However, don't expect that the results of 
your talk will follow a pre-determined path.  Often the fact 
that there is discussion is more important than the outcome of 
any one particular discussion. 

  FORM A SPECIAL BOND WITH YOUR GRANDCHILD.   If you are not 
living in the same city, use all of the tactile senses to begin 
to maintain a relationship with your grandchild.  Use a special 
song that you always sing while holding him; have a special book 
that you always read to her; wear the same perfume when you 
visit; have your child hold the telephone up to your grandchild's 
ear so that he can hear your voice; send pictures or videos of 
you and your grandchild so that she can "see" you often; give 
him a special soft animal or toy that can remind him of you. 
As they get older, continue these and add new rituals. 


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       III. Recommended Resources: Websites and Books to Explore 

 www.igrandparents.com

This comprehensive website provides the opportunity to both 
learn about and discuss issues relative to being a grandparent. 
You may participate in message boards and chat rooms on the site. 
There are columns and articles covering subjects from health 
and safety to finance and communication.  You can come away with 
ideas about how to enrich your relationship with your 
grandchildren through games, hobbies and other activities.  If 
you are not showing enough pictures of your grandchildren, you 
can even enter a photo contest! 


 www.aarp.org

On the American Association for Retired Persons' website, you 
can search "grandparents" and access numerous articles published 
in association with their Grandparent Information Center.  Some 
of the topics include how to relate to grandchildren through 
reading, travel and sharing family history.  Other articles 
focus on tips to improve the physical, relational and mental 
health of your grandchildren.  The results of the 2001 
grandparent survey, published in the AARP Bulletin, contains 
statistics and other pertinent information you may find helpful. 


  "The Nanas and the Papas: A Boomer's Guide to Grandparenting" 
by Kathryn and Allan Zullo. 

This husband and wife team consulted leading experts in 
childcare, parenting and grandparenting on issues concerning 
first time grandparents.  They gained further information and 
insight through personal interviews.  The result is this book, 
full of good sense, for the modern day healthier and more 
active grandparent. 


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                 IV. Our Invitation to You 

Do you have your own transition story?  We invite you to 
share it with our readers for the benefit of women who 
themselves may be dealing with similar changes.  The skills you 
used may be Stepping Stones for others.  If you are interested, 
please e-mail us at . 


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                        V. About Us 

HerMentorCenter.com provides information, support and 
direction for women undergoing mid-life transitions.  Having 
made these transitions ourselves, we are available to mentor 
you and to be your partners in mid-life. 

Her Mentor Center (TM) does not provide psychotherapy, 
consulting, or any other psychological or medical services 
or treatment.  If you feel the need for psychological help, 
you should contact your local mental health professional 
associations. 

To subscribe to "Stepping Stones" (TM), our free monthly 
newsletter, sign up at: 

http://www.HerMentorCenter.com/newsletter.html

To unsubscribe, go to 
http://www.HerMentorCenter.com/ 
newsletter.html and click "unsubscribe." 

To contact us, write to us at our e-mail address, 
Mentors@HerMentorCenter.com, 
or by telephone at (818) 773-7795 

Newsletters are available in our archives at: 

http://www.HerMentorCenter.com/archives.html


(c) HerMentorCenter, 2001     


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