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                    STEPPING STONES (TM)

                           Issue #22

                         June, 2004

Welcome to "Stepping Stones" (TM), the newsletter of
Her Mentor Center (TM).  Here we highlight a mid-life 
women's personal transition story.  We identify the
specific skills illustrated in her story that you might 
find valuable in your own life.  In addition, we 
recommend and review pertinent resources for you.  
We are excited to be sharing experiences and information 
as we all journey through mid-life.

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This month at a glance:

I.    Ilene's Story: Friends - Then and Now  

II.   Stepping Stones: Reflecting on Friendships

III.  Recommended Resources: Books and Website to Explore
	
IV.   Our Invitation to You

V.    About Us

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     I. Ilene's Story: Friends - Then and Now 

Friendship confused me for much of my life.  Looking back on my 
youth, I realize that I fell deeply in love with my girlfriends.  
I took friendship to heart, with unwavering loyalty.  When my 
best friend in elementary school became seriously ill, I wanted 
desperately to visit and comfort her daily - yet she often refused.  
She died without my being able to say goodbye.

Other girls had different expectations than mine, and that caused 
me a great deal of pain.  At camp they rolled their eyes when I 
wouldn't join the gang and "short sheet" the boys' beds.  "It 
isn't right," I told them.  From then on, I was the "goody goody" - 
no longer part of the inner circle.

The topic of friendship often brought tears to my eyes.  My dream 
was to be a "regular girl," chatting and giggling with friends like 
everyone else - to find my way back to the "in" group.

As an adult, this fantasy has become real at times, but I've 
discovered an understanding of friendship that proves to be much 
more rewarding.  Only one criterion counts for me in a friendship:  
the quality of the woman's heart.  If she is motivated by love, I 
welcome her into my heart unabashedly.  Our differences intrigue 
and delight me; our similarities deepen compatibility and comfort.  
The pain I bore for decades no longer plagues me.  Concerns about 
who calls whom have disappeared.  I understand that we may have 
different needs, different rhythms, and different demands on our 
lives.  I can accept these realities easily now.  Because acceptance 
and closeness eluded me for so long, I cherish my friendships deeply.

To celebrate my sixtieth birthday, I honored my friends with a 
gourmet luncheon.  I went around the large table acknowledging each 
one, sharing how their beautiful hearts have touched my life.  
Once again I felt deep love but now with no expectations.  What 
they are is all I want them to be.


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      II. Stepping Stones: Reflecting on Friendships


Ilene has written poignantly about her friendships, as a child, 
as a teenager, as an adult and as a woman celebrating mid-life.

** Do you see yourself when you read Ilene's story?  Where? When?  

Women's friendships can be very complicated.  Friends, even the 
best of friends, are not always all on the same page at the same 
time.  What we need from each other, and the intensity and 
frequency of these needs, may lead to misunderstandings. Sometimes, 
depending on what else is going on in our lives, being close to 
women friends may have more impact than at other times

** Are your present relationships with women where you want them 
    to be?  
** Do your friends respect your need for closeness or distance as 
    life's circumstances change?

Friendships change throughout our lives. When we are young, we 
need friends to help us form our identity. As adolescents, who we 
are depends a great deal on what we see reflected in our friends' 
eyes. We are sensitive to every nuance, every perceived betrayal. 
We look at other girls to see if we are enough like them, popular,
in the "cool" crowd. Our author speaks to the insecurities we may 
have at that moment in time. 

** What were some of the feelings you had when you were younger 
    that may have shaped your attitude about friendship?

As we mature and develop a stronger sense of self, how others see 
us becomes less important.  We recognize that no one friend is able 
to answer all of our needs.  When we come to know and appreciate 
ourselves, we focus more on compatibility, trust, empathy, and 
respect as characteristics of friends. As we experience life 
transitions we still need our friends for support, validation 
and comfort. 

** In what ways have your experiences changed your ideas about 
    friendships?
** How does knowing yourself and what you need impact the quality 
    of your relationships with women? 
  
Shelley Taylor, Ph.D., a Professor of Psychology at U.C.L.A., 
recently wrote "The Tending Instinct," a book highlighting the 
value of women's friendships. Her research indicates that women 
are biologically programmed to "tend and befriend" each other.  
Dr. Taylor found that when women are stressed, they respond with 
nurturing behavior - toward their children, their spouse, their 
parents, their friends - and with behavior seeking interactions 
with other women.  Dr. Taylor reminds us to appreciate women's 
friendships as she points out their significance to society, to 
the workplace, to good health.  
  
** How do you feel when you reach out to befriend?   
    When others befriend you?  
** What do you experience when you tend?  
    When others tend to you?  

Ilene has found that, for herself, the most valuable quality of a 
woman friend is a "beautiful heart." 

** What qualities are important to you in your friendships today:  
    Sharing feelings about challenges you are facing? 
    Exchanging practical information?  
    Enjoying companionship?   
    Having someone there who truly understands and accepts you as 
    you are?

Ilene found an occasion to honor her friends and her feelings 
about them.
  
** Is this something you would want to do?  
** How do you think that would affect you?  
** How do you think your friends would react if you were to tell 
    them how much they mean to you?      


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        III. Recommended Resources: Books & Websites to Explore


Your favorite brick and on-line bookstores have many books about
women's friendships.  You may want to browse among the titles to 
see what resonates for you.  Here are a few titles that we have 
enjoyed:


Shelley E. Taylor, Ph.D."The Tending Instinct: How Nurturing 
is Essential to Who We Are and How We Live."  This book is a 
ground-breaking synthesis of research about females, both human 
and animal, and the impact of their caretaking on society. 


Terri Apter, Ph.D. and Ruthellen Josselson, Ph.D. "Best Friends: 
The Pleasures and Perils of Girls' and Women's Friendships."  
The authors explore the bonds of friendship between women and 
the sorrows and joys they experience together.


Janice Kaplan and Lynn Schnurnberger, "The Botox Diaries."  
This is an entertaining novel about the friendship and adventures 
of two women turning forty.  


Ilene Val-Essen, Ph.D., the author of the story in this issue of 
our newsletter, has developed a website that she is as committed 
to as her friendships, www.qualityparenting.com .
You may want to visit it to learn more about Ilene, her programs and her book 
for parents, "Bring Out the Best - In Your Child and Yourself."


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                  IV. Our Invitation to You

Do you have your own transition story?  We invite you to
share it with our readers for the benefit of women who
themselves may be dealing with similar changes.  The skills you
used may be Stepping Stones for others.  If you are interested,
please e-mail us at 
mentors@HerMentorCenter.com. .  

If you have not yet responded to our "About You" questionniare
on the website, please tell us about yourself and we will 
include the data in our research. 
                  
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                         V. About Us

HerMentorCenter.com provides information, support and
direction for women undergoing mid-life transitions.  Having
made these transitions ourselves, we are available to mentor
you and to be your partners in mid-life.

Her Mentor Center (TM) does not provide psychotherapy,
consulting, or any other psychological or medical services
or treatment.  If you feel the need for psychological help,
you should contact your local mental health professional
associations.

To subscribe to "Stepping Stones" (TM), our free monthly
newsletter, sign up at:

http://www.HerMentorCenter.com/newsletter.html

To unsubscribe, go to 
http://www.HerMentorCenter.com/ 
newsletter.html and click "unsubscribe." 

To contact us, write to us at our e-mail address, 
mentors@HerMentorCenter.com, 
or by telephone at (818) 773-7795 

Newsletters are available in our archives at: 

http://www.HerMentorCenter.com/archives.html

(c) HerMentorCenter, 2004   

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