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                    STEPPING STONES (TM)

                           Issue #33 

                           May, 2006

Welcome to "Stepping Stones" (TM), the newsletter of
Her Mentor Center (TM).  Here we highlight important issues
and valuable information.  We are excited to share experiences 
with you as we all journey through mid-life.

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This month at a glance:

I.    Jacqueline's Story: Elder Rage 

II.   Stepping Stones:  Caring For Your Aging Parents 

III.  Resources 

IV.   Our Invitation to You

V.    About Us

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     I. Jacqueline's Story: Elder Rage: If I Only Knew Then --
				What I Know Now!


For eleven years I begged my obstinate elderly father to allow 
a caregiver to help him with my ailing mother, but he adamantly 
insisted on taking care of her himself. Every caregiver I hired 
sighed in exasperation, "Jacqueline, I just can't work with your 
father--his temper is impossible. I don't think he'll accept help 
until he's on his knees himself."

My father had always been 90 percent wonderful, but that raging 
temper was a doozy. He'd never turned on me before, but then I'd 
never gone against his wishes either. When my mother nearly died 
from his inability to care for her, I had to step in and risk 
his wrath to save her life, having no idea that in the process
it would nearly cost me my own.

I spent months nursing my mother back to relative "health", while 
my father got upset over the most ridiculous things and repeatedly 
threw me out of the house. It was so heart-wrenching to have my 
once-adoring father turn against me, yet it was so astonishing 
when I'd take him to the doctor-where he could act completely 
normal when he needed to.

I couldn't leave my mother alone with my father, because she'd 
surely die from his inability to care for her. I couldn't get 
the doctors to help because he was always so normal in front of 
them. I couldn't get medication to calm him, and even when I did, 
he refused to take it and flushed it down the toilet. I couldn't 
get him to accept a caregiver, and no one would put up with him 
anyway. I became trapped at my parents' home for nearly a year 
trying to solve the endless crisis--infuriated with an 
unsympathetic medical system that wasn't helping me 
appropriately.

Finally, I stumbled upon a compassionate geriatric dementia 
specialist who performed a battery of blood, neurological and 
memory tests, and after ruling out other causes, diagnosing 
Stage One Alzheimer's in both of my parents--something that all 
their other doctors missed entirely. What I'd been coping with 
was the beginning of dementia, which is intermittent and appears 
to come and go. My father was trapped in his own bad behavior of 
a lifetime and his habit of yelling was coming out over things 
that were illogical and irrational... at times. I also learned 
that demented does not mean stupid--at all.

There's no cure for Alzheimer's, but if identified early there 
are medications that can slow the progression, delaying fulltime 
care. Had I simply been shown the "10 Warning Signs of 
Alzheimer's", I would have been able to get my parents the help 
they so desperately needed much sooner. If any of this rings 
true about someone you love, I urge you to reach out for help 
from a dementia specialist sooner rather than later.

Jacqueline Marcell

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      II. Stepping Stones: Caring for Your Aging Parents

Jacqueline's story captures the essence of the pain and 
heartbreak of seeing her parents deteriorate.  She was further 
frustrated because she was not aware of the reasons for their 
condition.  The Alzheimer's Association has made Jacqueline, 
and all of us, aware of how to pay attention when one of 
our parents begins to act differently. 

TEN WARNING SIGNS OF ALZHEIMER'S

(Reprinted with permission of the Alzheimer's Association)

1.   Recent memory loss that affects job skills
2.   Difficulty performing familiar tasks
3.   Problems with language
4.   Disorientation of time and place
5.   Poor or decreased judgment
6.   Problems with abstract thinking
7.   Misplacing things
8.   Changes in mood or behavior
9.   Changes in personality
10.  Loss of initiative


In this complex and often painful family situation, there will 
be at first subtle then greater changes in your parents' mental 
or physical condition.  As their decline continues you will 
no longer know them as before.  You may be facing your parents'
fears and feelings of helplessness as well as your own 
vulnerability.  During this process, be mindful and notice 
the gifts as well as the losses - having this time together, 
making their comfort a priority, sharing family stories 
and memories.   

As you assume greater responsibility for your parents' well 
being and care, be sure to find an oasis for yourself.  
Create the time to make it a priority to take care of yourself:

***Don’t attempt to go it alone – have support systems in place.  
Reach out, create a network, hire someone to help as often as 
you think is necessary. 

***Be frank with the rest of your family.  Engage your 
siblings in the problems and the solutions.  Ask for practical 
help and delegate responsibilities.  

***Secure assistance, even if it is over your parents' 
objections. Rely on gerontologists and geriatric social 
workers to advise you on the next steps to take.  Make use 
of community interventions, support groups and adult 
caregiver resources.

***Re-establish routine in your own life, both at work and 
with your family.  Maintain firm boundaries to protect 
yourself, talk openly and honestly about how you feel, 
and believe in what you’re doing about the family 
challenges you are handling.

***Give yourself credit for all you do and be sure to take in 
the compliments that others give you.


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        III. Resources:  Websites and Books

Jacqueline Marcell is the author of "Elder Rage: How to Survive 
Caring for Aging Parents", and she maintains a website dealing 
with caregiver issues, www.ElderRage.com.  Jacqueline also 
hosts a radio program for caregivers, 

www.wsRadio.com/CopingWithCaregiving and writes Elder 
Care Blogs on www.blog.thirdage.com/?author=12 and 
www.healthcentral.com/alzheimers/j. 

The National Institutes of Health, National Institute on Aging 
provides an Alzheimer's Disease Education and Referral Center 
(ADEAR) website for the public, www.Alzheimers.nia.nih.gov, 
which presents information on current research, available 
clinical trials, and links to other Federal resources.  Here 
you can order free publications, sign up for e-mail alerts, 
search for clinical trials and use the literature data base. 
There are details about the symptoms of Alzheimer's, how a 
diagnosis is made and what treatments are currently available 
to slow the progression.

The Alzheimer's Association website, www.Alzheimers.org, 
offers facts about Alzheimer's disease, resources, research 
advances and publications.  Chat rooms and message boards are 
available as well as assistance in finding your local chapter.  
The website suggests you initiate a brain healthy lifestyle by 
exercising your brain as you do your body.
 

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					IV. Our Invitation to You

Do you have your own transition story?  We invite you to
share it with our readers for the benefit of women who
themselves may be dealing with similar changes.  The skills you
used may be Stepping Stones for others.  If you are interested,
please e-mail us at 
mentors@HerMentorCenter.com. .  

If you have not yet responded to our
"About You" questionniare
on the website, please tell us about yourself and we will 
include the data in our research. 


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                         V. About Us

HerMentorCenter.com provides information, support and
direction for women undergoing mid-life transitions.  Having
made these transitions ourselves, we are available to mentor
you and to be your partners in mid-life.

Her Mentor Center (TM) does not provide psychotherapy,
consulting, or any other psychological or medical services
or treatment.  If you feel the need for psychological help,
you should contact your local mental health professional
associations.

To subscribe to "Stepping Stones" (TM), our free monthly
newsletter, sign up at:

http://www.HerMentorCenter.com/newsletter.html

To unsubscribe, go to 
http://www.HerMentorCenter.com/ 
newsletter.html and click "unsubscribe." 

To contact us, write to us at our e-mail address, 
mentors@HerMentorCenter.com, 
or by telephone at (818) 773-7795 

Newsletters are available in our archives at: 

http://www.HerMentorCenter.com/archives.html

(c) HerMentorCenter, 2006.  All rights reserved.  The above
material may not be copied to another web site without the
express permission of HerMentorCenter.com.   
  

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