Return to Archives Page

Newsletter Archives

**************************************************************

                    STEPPING STONES (TM)

                           Issue #32 

                         March, 2006

Welcome to "Stepping Stones" (TM), the newsletter of
Her Mentor Center (TM).  Here we highlight important issues
and valuable information.  We are excited to share experiences 
with you as we all journey through mid-life.

**************************************************************

This month at a glance:

I.    Ferida's Story: Kitchen Dancing

II.   Stepping Stones: Dancing as a Metaphor 

III.  Resources 

IV.   Our Invitation to You

V.    About Us

***************************************************************


     I. Ferida's Story: Kitchen Dancing 

I love to dance.  I'll put on a CD and move.  Classical or 
Klezmer.  Island drums or swing. It doesn't matter. Music 
moves me in more ways than one. The kitchen floor is my stage, 
the ceramic tile providing a smooth surface for graceful 
glissades and a sturdy one for the pounding I give it 
choreographing my own Broadway numbers.

Over the years, I could sometimes coax my husband onto this 
impromptu dance floor for a slow dance but we have learned 
from experience, beginning with our wedding, that we don't 
dance well together.  We seem to have an abundance of left feet 
when we dance which usually end up on one or the other's toes.
 
All that is changing.  I signed us up for dance classes. 
He only agrees to go because our son is getting married soon 
and we will have to dance, at least once, in front of almost 
two hundred of our closest friends and relatives. 

I don't care what reason gets him there.  We are dancing.

My husband complains that it is impossible to count the beats, 
do the variations and feel the music at the same time.

"That's multi-tasking," I tell him. 

Women are used to it.  Folding the laundry and helping with 
homework. Cooking dinner and talking on the phone.  It comes 
naturally.

"I'm a focused kind of guy," he says.  "I do one thing at 
a time."

"Good," I say.  "Do one thing.  Dance."

We learn the steps in class but we practice at home.  In the 
kitchen.  The room really isn't big enough for an elegant 
foxtrot and it does put a crimp in an enthusiastic swing 
but it will do.

It was difficult at first.  Between my jittery energy and his 
resistance, our individual needs frequently clashed.  I would 
resort to leading when he wasn't forceful enough which irritated 
both of us.  But we understand now that we each have our parts. 
He leads.  I do the flourishes.  With practice we are learning 
to sense each other's strengths and respond to each other's 
timing.  Our posture is getting more confident.  We have 
stopped staring at our feet, willing them to go where they 
are supposed to instead of where they might end up.  

I am grateful for the impetus to learn together.  The wedding 
is the excuse but the reason is that something inside me at 
this time in my life says I must move.  I tell myself that 
because I sit writing at my computer for so much of the day, 
my body needs a release.  It sounds logical though I know my 
need has nothing to do with logic.  It is an inner pulsing 
that calls for movement. 

I think this passion for dance is partly rooted in childhood. 
A desire long delayed.  When I was a teen, I wanted to take 
ballet lessons.  My mother wouldn't let me.  She said I was 
too skinny, too frail, to dance.  So as my friends took the 
bus to their class, I practiced the lindy in my basement with 
a friend from down the street. We danced to our forty-fives 
and then rewarded ourselves by polishing off a Sara Lee 
chocolate swirl poundcake.

But the teenage years are long over.  What I see now is a 
population growing older and becoming more sedentary. 
In an assisted living facility where my parents lived, 
I saw how many ways people could stop moving.  Sometimes 
inaction was physically based: a stroke depriving muscles 
of movement, a damaged heart causing every exertion to be 
painful, brittle bones making any action dangerous.  Yet 
lack of movement was often caused by lack of interest or 
fear of trying something new.  Rigidity of thought 
expressing itself in rigidity of body. I found myself 
starved for movement after a visit.

My husband puts on a Benny Goodman CD.  Who better to swing 
to?  We work our way across the tile.  We laugh our way 
through our mistakes.  We make up combinations that we are 
too shy to do in front of our instructors.  At least until 
we perfect the timing. 

I love the grin on my husband's face when we finish a 
pattern and come out on the right step.  Even better, 
the panic has begun to ease when we come together.  I can 
see where it might actually be pleasurable one day to be 
a dancing couple instead of a couple of dancing bears. 

And dancing has drawn us closer, even after thirty-seven 
years of marriage.  There is a lot more hugging, more 
delight.  Maybe it's just our endorphins running wild. 
Dancing is, after all, an aerobic exercise that releases 
those wonderful chemicals of euphoria. But I see it in 
a different way.  I think of it as freedom.  Freedom 
from the seriousness of daily existence.  Freedom for 
the exuberance of life.  A guiltless pleasure that 
reminds me of the joy there is to be had in simple 
things. Simple things like dancing in the kitchen.



***************************************************************


      II. Stepping Stones: Dancing as a Metaphor 

We are entranced by Ferida's story and we hope it touches you 
as well.  There is something about dancing in the kitchen 
that is both warm and personal.  The notion of dancing  
triggers memories, images and feelings.  It reminds us that 
we can be fluid and try something new.  Now get comfortable, 
re-read Ferida's story, and enjoy it again as you read 
between the lines.
 
Integrate the parts of the story that to apply to you.  
Use the questions below as you tailor it to your own needs 
and deepen your experience.  Your answers to these questions 
will get you on your toes.  Begin to bring more joy into 
your life and, as Arthur Murray said, "try dancing." 

***First put the spotlight on yourself:

     What moves you? 
     What is your stage?
     What are some childhood desires not fulfilled?
     What is holding you back? 
     What frees you? 
     How can you begin?

***Now spotlight your relationship:

     In what ways do you "dance" together?
     How do you lead differently?
     What do you do to coax each other?
     Who is more apt to be led into compromise? 
     What is the impetus to learn together? 
     What makes you feel closer? 
     What brings you simple joys? 
     What makes you more affectionate? 
     How do you laugh at your mistakes?  
     How does that impact the relationship?
	
***Now look at the dance you have created:

     What situations invite change?
     Who takes the initiative?
     What is the first step in making the shift?
     What does it take to keep practicing?
     How does moving in synchronicity affect your 
          relationship? 



**************************************************************


                	III. Resources


Ferida Wolff's website, www.feridawolff.com, may be of interest 
to you.  There are sections for women, teachers and editors 
in which she offers excerpts of her books and information 
about her workshops.

She has written books for Boomer women - some for themselves 
and others to read to their grandchildren: 

"The Adventures of Swamp Woman: Menopause Essays on the Edge" is
available through www.amazon.com, bookstores, and authorhouse.com. 

"Listening Outside Listening Inside" is a book of stories about 
listening to our inner messages.  It is available through the 
author at feridawolff@msn.com. 
 
"It is the Wind" (Random House, 2005) is a picture book about 
a child who hears a sound in the night and tries to identify 
it, later discovering that it is only the wind.

"Is a Worry Worrying You?" (Tanglewood, Press 2005) is a 
picture book of outlandish worries but with practical 
suggestions on how to deal with a worry.
 

**************************************************************
 
					IV. Our Invitation to You

Do you have your own transition story?  We invite you to
share it with our readers for the benefit of women who
themselves may be dealing with similar changes.  The skills you
used may be Stepping Stones for others.  If you are interested,
please e-mail us at 
mentors@HerMentorCenter.com. .  

If you have not yet responded to our
"About You" questionniare
on the website, please tell us about yourself and we will 
include the data in our research. 


**************************************************************

                         V. About Us

HerMentorCenter.com provides information, support and
direction for women undergoing mid-life transitions.  Having
made these transitions ourselves, we are available to mentor
you and to be your partners in mid-life.

Her Mentor Center (TM) does not provide psychotherapy,
consulting, or any other psychological or medical services
or treatment.  If you feel the need for psychological help,
you should contact your local mental health professional
associations.

To subscribe to "Stepping Stones" (TM), our free monthly
newsletter, sign up at:

http://www.HerMentorCenter.com/newsletter.html

To unsubscribe, go to 
http://www.HerMentorCenter.com/ 
newsletter.html and click "unsubscribe." 

To contact us, write to us at our e-mail address, 
mentors@HerMentorCenter.com, 
or by telephone at (818) 773-7795 

Newsletters are available in our archives at: 

http://www.HerMentorCenter.com/archives.html

(c) HerMentorCenter, 2006.  All rights reserved.  The above
material may not be copied to another web site without the
express permission of HerMentorCenter.com.   
  

*************************************************************