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                    STEPPING STONES (TM)

                          Issue #26

                         March, 2005

Welcome to "Stepping Stones" (TM), the newsletter of
Her Mentor Center (TM).  Here we highlight mid-life 
women's personal transition stories.  We identify the
specific skills illustrated in the stories that you might 
find valuable in your own life.  
  
We are excited to be sharing experiences and information 
as we all journey through mid-life.

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This month at a glance:

I.    Women Talk to Us: The Marriage Dance at Mid-Life 

II.   Stepping Stones:Talking with Yourself and Your Partner

III.  Our Invitation to You
	
IV.   About Us


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    I. Women Talk to Us:  The Marriage Dance at Mid-Life 

We often hear from our readers about their long-term 
relationships and the issues that arise at this time in 
their lives.  Women have told us that even when they are 
living with the same partner of twenty or thirty years, 
things have changed and the relationship is different.  
In some cases the changes have been dramatic.

For many women, the nest is empty and the couple is left 
to face each other without the buffer of the children, 
their activities, and friends.

Linda wants to find out how to revive her relationship 
and make it vital again.   "When I look back on 26 years 
of marriage my immediate thought is, 'where has all that 
time gone?'  But as I break it down, I recognize that we 
have accomplished a lot.  We've raised three terrific 
kids, cheered at 1200 soccer games, had a combined five 
jobs, survived the loss of three parents, taken 15 summer 
car trips.  Those were wonderful times.  Now here we are 
with a huge void.  Sometimes I look at my husband and 
wonder, 'who is this man?' Our love remains strong so 
how do we come back to each other?"

Focusing on the excitement of new beginnings, Susan 
tells us: "With our daughter married and the boys at 
college, this truly feels like a fresh start.  So much 
of our time, until now, has revolved around family and 
work.  It is like we are newlyweds, getting to know each 
other again." 

For other women, the impetus to examine the relationship 
arises from the different energies that each partner 
wants to invest in career opportunities.

Deborah feels torn between her own needs and those of 
the marriage: "We seem to be at different junctures 
regarding our career paths.  Although I taught for the 
first few years of our marriage while he finished 
graduate school, my life was primarily as a mom and 
my part time tutoring.  Over the past four years I have 
discovered a passion for business and I am creating 
a website to match students and tutors around the country.    
Now that I am immersed in my work, my husband wants to 
cut back and spend more time together - traveling, 
exploring our goals for retirement.  I don't know how 
to balance both."

Carol is aware of her conflicting emotions and wonders 
about the future: "I feel that up until now I have 
devoted my life to raising children and supporting my 
husband's career.  Now is my time and I feel incredibly 
excited yet sometimes guilty about wanting so much for 
myself.  My husband understands - in fact he's encouraging 
me all the way.  So for my own sake I really need to let 
go of my lingering guilt and go for it.  I read the 
magazines that say this should be the best time of 
my life and in some ways it is.  I know I am lucky 
to have the time and the freedom to do whatever I want - 
now I just need to figure out what that is!"

In other relationships, a decline in a partner's 
well-being or a parent's health can change a woman's 
role and threaten her sense of stability.

Anne finds that her husband's serious illness has 
led to difficulties in relating to him as she did 
before.  "I still love him of course, but the changes 
have been enormous.  He used to be so strong and he 
had a great sense of humor.  Now he seems down so much 
of the time.  His illness has sapped him of the intensity 
and vitality that we all came to expect.  I try to help 
him adjust and I realize that I need to adjust too.  
I want to remain up for him, but I'm not able to do it 
on my own and then I feel guilty about disappointing him."

For Pam, some of the changes in her relationship stem 
from her mother's sudden illness.  "Just before our 
youngest child moved out, my mother had a heart attack 
and we moved her in with us to give her the care she needed.  
I feel good having her so close but it has really changed 
our lives.  We had expected to be carefree without the 
responsibilities of our four children, yet here we are 
again rushing home after work.  I am frustrated and angry 
about the situation and I feel tense most of the time.  
Sometimes I take it out on my husband."   


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  II. Stepping Stones: Talking With Yourself and Your Partner

As you reflect on yourself in the context of your relationship,
this is the time to start thinking about the changes you want 
to make as you prepare for your future.  Here are some 
questions to help you begin: 

*       	What are your needs and desires at this stage
                of your life?

*       	How do these impact the relationship?
 
*       	How does the relationship impact you and 
                your choices?

Now focus on your emotions and see if you can better 
understand your feelings: 

*       	If you feel impatient, is it due to your 
                partner or do you want to make up for lost 
                time?
  
*       	If you feel anxious, is it in response to 
                pressures from him or your own fears about 
                the future?

*       	If you feel frustrated, is it about your 
                partner's inflexibility or about your own 
                self-doubts? 

*       	If you feel sad, is it because of the 
                distance between you or because of the 
                children being gone?

*       	If you feel angry, is it directed toward him 
                or are you upset with yourself?

After reflecting on your responses to these questions, 
initiate a conversation with your partner.  We recognize that 
it can be difficult to begin this kind of a discussion.  
Eleanor describes her situation - does it sound familiar?

"And then there is this communication thing.  When I try to 
talk to my husband about what's going on with me I get one 
of two reactions.  The first is a blank stare and I become 
aware that he hasn't the foggiest notion what I mean or what 
I need from him.  The second is an annoyed response, with 
the realization that we are going in two very different 
directions."

Communication is as important at this stage in your life 
as it has always been in maintaining a strong and satisfying 
relationship.  We have compiled a few questions to get you 
started in your exchange of ideas.  It may be most helpful 
to first answer them separately and then come together to 
discuss your thoughts. Listen to your partner without 
judgment; stay positive and respectful of his ideas and 
opinions.  

***     	Why do you think our relationship works?  

***     	How can we improve our communication?  

***      	What has changed in our roles?  
                Our expectations?  Our goals?

Of course, there are many other questions you could explore 
with each other. These are simply suggestions to open a 
dialogue. You may be surprised by your responses.  Recognize 
that you are setting the stage for a continuing discussion 
about the future you will create together.

Let us hear from both you and your partner about your 
reactions.  We will present both perspectives in a later 
newsletter.  Thanks for helping us gain a fuller understanding 
of long-term relationships at midlife.
  

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          IV. Our Invitation to You

Do you have your own transition story?  We invite you to
share it with our readers for the benefit of women who
themselves may be dealing with similar changes.  The skills you
used may be Stepping Stones for others.  If you are interested,
please e-mail us at 
mentors@HerMentorCenter.com. .  

If you have not yet responded to our
"About You" questionniare
on the website, please tell us about yourself and we will 
include the data in our research. 

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         V. About Us

HerMentorCenter.com provides information, support and
direction for women undergoing mid-life transitions.  Having
made these transitions ourselves, we are available to mentor
you and to be your partners in mid-life.

Her Mentor Center (TM) does not provide psychotherapy,
consulting, or any other psychological or medical services
or treatment.  If you feel the need for psychological help,
you should contact your local mental health professional
associations.

To subscribe to "Stepping Stones" (TM), our free monthly
newsletter, sign up at:

http://www.HerMentorCenter.com/newsletter.html

To unsubscribe, go to 
http://www.HerMentorCenter.com/ 
newsletter.html and click "unsubscribe." 

To contact us, write to us at our e-mail address, 
mentors@HerMentorCenter.com, 
or by telephone at (818) 773-7795 

Newsletters are available in our archives at: 

http://www.HerMentorCenter.com/archives.html


(c) HerMentorCenter, 2005.  All rights reserved.  The above
material may not be copied to another web site without the
express permission of HerMentorCenter.com.   
  

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