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                   STEPPING STONES (TM) 

                          Issue 7 

                        October, 2001 

Welcome to "Stepping Stones" (TM), the newsletter of 
Her Mentor Center (TM).  Each month we highlight a 
mid-life woman's personal transition story.  We identify the 
specific skills illustrated in her story that you might find 
valuable in your own life.  In addition, we recommend and 
review valuable resources for you.  We are excited to be 
sharing experiences and information as we all journey 
through mid-life. 

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This month at a glance: 

I.    Changing Places: Beth's Journey   

II.   Stepping Stones to Becoming Her Mother's "Mother" 

III.  Recommended Books 

IV.   Our Invitation to You 

V.    About Us 

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    I. Changing Places: Beth's Journey 

I have just experienced one of life's most perfect moments - 
my daughter's wedding.  It was the culimination of a year that 
felt like a roller coaster ride, bringing me from the depths 
of depression to the heights of joy with constant motion in 
between.  Not only did the wedding signal the beginning of my 
daughter's life with the man she loves, but it brought my mother 
to the dance floor after ten months of debilitating illness. 

As I watched "Nana" dance with my husband, I remembered the 
beginning of the ordeal.  A telephone call informed me that my 
mother was gravely ill and would need major surgery and 
subsequent chemotherapy.  This threw both my mother and me into 
shock.  Her only illness in 83 years was appendicitis.  Thus our 
expectation was that she would remain healthy and active like 
her mother who died at 104.  She was my role model for a life 
of constant activity and stimulation. 

In one afternoon of surgery, she lost her vitality and 
invulnerability and I lost my equilibrium.  Life changed 
without warning.  My healthy, independent mother became sick and 
dependent.  I shifted my identity as a relatively carefree 
professional wife and mother to caretaker for my mother and 
support for my father.  She had to deal with her fears and 
disabilities and I had to provide strength and solace to her 
as well as deal with my own panic.  At 58 I saw the role 
reversal that had been in progress for many years become 
accelerated.  "The child became father (mother) to the man." 

While physically this was not difficult, it was emotionally 
draining.  I was confronted with the depression, fear, and 
self-pity that normally accompany illness.  I understood her 
emotions, but I felt I needed to maintain a positive attitude 
in the face of all her negativity.  This strained my patience 
and I started feeling guilty for sometimes feeling annoyed with 
her.  After all, she was the one undergoing the physical 
hardships.  She was the one dealing with the specter of continued 
illness and diminished quality of life.  Shouldn't I be more 
patient and understanding?  As much as I did for her, I felt 
inadequate and sometimes evil.  My attempt to help her remain 
upbeat took a toll and I became depressed.  My relationships 
with friends were difficult.  For months I withdrew from my 
social life to find energy to deal with my own emotions, but 
I never had time. 

Although my mother's physical condition improved rapidly, each 
day still began with depression and ended in isolation.  She 
often turned a deaf ear to me and consequently increased my 
frustration.  There were times when I did not want to answer 
the phone because I knew my mood would plummet when I heard her 
voice.  I needed more help in combating the negativity that 
now engulfed us both. 

A call to a gerontological psychologist saved us.  She was able 
to share her feelings and fears with him and he was able to 
guide her through her transitions.  As her emotional health 
improved, I had more time to heal myself.  I could take 
advantage of my own support system - my husband and family. 
I was able to focus again on work, my friends, my wedding 
preparations. 

When the wedding came, both my mother and I were on the mend. 
I know our life and our relationship has changed, but I came 
through the experience with increased knowledge about us both. 
I can now appreciate the good days and get through the bad 
ones with a sense of calm. 

In that moment, as she danced, I relived the past year and 
reveled in its passage.  The wedding was pure sweetness mixed 
with pathos.  Life had changed - it always will.  I have 
learned to cherish those special moments not only with my 
mother, but with everyone. 


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     II. Stepping Stones to Becoming Her Mother's "Mother" 

LOSS is the motivator of transition. 
  
 As a result of her mother's illness, Beth sustained multiple 
losses: 

    Her healthy, active mother 
    The expectation that her mother would live forever 
    Her independence, time, and control over her own life 
    Her expectation that her mother would always nurture her. 

DISORIENTATION is caused by loss. 

 During this time, Beth describes her discomfort: 

    She felt guilt, anger, depression, fear, sadness, anxiety 
    She became isolated 
    Her energy was depleted 
    She did not function effectively. 

REORGANIZATION results from taking a series of steps. 

 As the situation progressed, Beth: 

    Learned more about the aging process and how to deal with 
         illness 
    Utilized sources of support such as groups and resources 
         for adult caregivers 
    Reconnected with family and friends 
    Re-established routines in work and normal daily activities 
    Recognized that her relationship with her parents changed 
    Modified her expectations of herself and her parents 
    Accepted the role reversal as a positive part of her life. 

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       III. Recommended Books 

"As Parents Age, A Psychological and Practical Guide" by 
Joseph Ilardo. 

Dr. Ilardo explains the aging process, the emotions felt by the 
child, and the impact of illness and aging on the family unit. 
He also focuses on the grief process and helps his readers 
cope with death. 

"Transcending Loss" by Ashley Davis Prend. 

The book addresses the process of grief and loss.  From the 
shock phase, the disorganization stage that includes feelings 
of anger, pain, guilt, sadness, anxiety, to the stage she calls 
transcendence, Ms. Prend explains how we can find meaning from 
loss. 

"Changing Places: A Journey with My Parents" by Judy Kramer. 

Ms. Kramer chronicles her journey as her parents age, enter 
assisted care facilities, and pass away.  Her emphasis is not 
the care-taking aspect of the journey but the personal and 
profound feelings that accompany her through each stage.  It 
is a sensitive and helpful journal to guide us as we deal with 
aging parents, their illnesses and death. 

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                 IV. Our Invitation to You 

Do you have your own transition story?  We invite you to 
share it with our readers for the benefit of women who 
themselves may be dealing with similar changes.  The skills you 
used may be Stepping Stones for others.  If you are interested, 
please e-mail us at . 

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  V. About Us 

HerMentorCenter.com provides information, support and 
direction for women undergoing mid-life transitions.  Having 
made these transitions ourselves, we are available to mentor 
you and to be your partners in mid-life. 

Her Mentor Center (TM) does not provide psychotherapy, 
consulting, or any other psychological or medical services 
or treatment.  If you feel the need for psychological help, 
you should contact your local mental health professional 
associations. 

To subscribe to "Stepping Stones" (TM), our free monthly 
newsletter, sign up at: 

http://www.HerMentorCenter.com/newsletter.html

To unsubscribe, go to 
http://www.HerMentorCenter.com/ 
newsletter.html and click "unsubscribe." 

To contact us, write to us at our e-mail address, 
Mentors@HerMentorCenter.com, 
or by telephone at (818) 773-7795 

Newsletters are available in our archives at: 

http://www.HerMentorCenter.com/archives.html


(c) HerMentorCenter, 2001     
                       
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